John Mulaney. He’s hilarious. He writes for SNL. And his entire stand up special is on Youtube. It’s called New In Town. Go watch it and cry like I did.

A hundred drunk white children yelling, “Fuck. Da. Po-lice.”

(Source: lugated)

I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, and I would black out and I would “ruin parties.”

(Source: aiyiyi)

Ice-T is a detective with the Special Victims Unit; He handles New York’s most sensitive cases.

(Source: obsessedrandomness)

Lost in New York? The streets are numbered! How’d you get lost in New York? I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out seventeen years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a def jam comic when [Home Alone 2: Lost in New York] came out. I would’ve torn it to pieces! 

(Source: mchalowitz)